You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Catercrombie & Fish
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you