Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Every house has this drawer
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Everyone’s family
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.