I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
ok this is my dumbest yet
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.