I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
mood
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Simple
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Warm pools make me nervous.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
THIS HEADLINE
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.