So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”