I feel this so hard
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”