Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’