TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”