Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.