I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
CUTE CAT‼︎
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity