I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My current situation
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
a god among men
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried