ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
a fate I wish upon no one
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you know, you know
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.