All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help