Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.