Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
#parenting
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??