I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
the #horror is real!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.