Oh. My. God.
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ