I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Only short people can save us
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.