If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working