Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Yup
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
classic mixup
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.