[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.