After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Leaving the Barbers like
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.