[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.