Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
multitasking lunch
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
😂💯