People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.