Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point