Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I didn’t realize that was an option
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!