i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
#SuperBowl
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”