Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”