Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.