I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I need this for my side hustle.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene