At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN