*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
😬
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed