What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
The Sun
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs