I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
crochet youtube is brutal
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh