Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Got ya covered