Why am I like this?
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”