Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
You Might Also Like
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
i hate you platonically
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Lmao the reply
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.