End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.