My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
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“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.