I love twitter
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Okay me first
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍