Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them