Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.