what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?