My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
You Might Also Like
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.