Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter