I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
twitter users today:
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain