Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.