I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.