when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine